In my practice, I’ve found certain life experiences to be a pivotal opening for growth to transpire and health to finally happen and moving through a breakup is, so often, one of them. Within this very raw, broken state, the resilience of the human spirit never ceases to amaze me. It’s devastatingly beautiful, painful, freeing and oh so human. It cracks you open in a unique way that can bring you into an encounter with authenticity and a new way to be.
This year, in particular, I’ve assisted more patients than ever before through this experience and have witnessed the brilliance of the other side, time and time again. So in this article, dedicated to the broken hearted, I’d like to share what I have learned in hopes that it reaches the people that need it most. Because if you take this experience in, allow it to be an opportunity and process it thoroughly, you can gain from it in the most unimaginable of ways. Because breakups ask you to surrender, to let go of more than just the past and to encounter the truth of who, what and where you are.
So let’s dive in…
Address the Shock
Shock is truth’s way of bringing you back to reality. First things first, address the shock by connecting to your heart and coming home to the present moment. Seek assistance if needed. Then, from this place, you may consider healing tools and therapies that can potentially support you like Rescue Remedy, EFT, a good acupuncture session– anything that can shift the stress response and bring into more of a calm, connected parasympathetic state.
It takes time and space to process, and everyone’s healing journey is unique and different based on a myriad of factors. Most likely, when a relationship ends you are in a state of shock- because it is traumatic. The end of a relationship has the ability to bring you back to reality in a very abrupt and real way. Sometimes, you know it’s coming, other times it catches you off guard. Regardless of whether you saw it coming or not, you will need to process the end in order to begin again– so have compassion for yourself and give yourself the space + grace to heal.
Just to be clear, giving yourself space + grace, does not mean that you need to put your life on hold. Cue business as usual. Sometimes you will require introspection, self reflection and silence, other times you may require more extroverted activities, community and social interaction. The key here is to focus on yourself, your life and your journey. Notice when you want to bury or avoid certain experiences, and instead, look at them. Allow yourself to go inward and to move forward so that you can begin to acknowledge and embrace the truth that the relationship is over.
Acknowledge and Embrace the Truth
If you were the one broken up with, it will most likely be more difficult to acknowledge and embrace the truth than if you were the one that ended things. There are many reasons for this, but more often than not, the person who ended the relationship, most likely, already started to process the end, where the other may have very well been blindsided. Either way, you must take steps to acknowledge and embrace the truth, in the present moment, to fully process the experience. The relationship is done in the way that you’ve come to know it, and it’s important to remember that.
If you really get clear with yourself, you will see that most likely, you didn’t actually lose anything other than the contracted state that you were in- but the mind loves to fixate, reminisce and distort the truth. It’s basically losing it’s favorite delusion, and it will wreak havoc and create all kinds of drama in an attempt to fix, avoid and bury the reality of the situation if you allow it to. This occurs for many reasons, one being that the ego does not like change, freedom, empowerment or growth. It is a survival mechanism, and it certainly loves to run the show- but the truth is simple. The relationship is done in the way that you’ve come to know it. Now, this does not mean it may not come back around- but if you are growth oriented, it will never be the same. It will be better or you will draw someone else that is better for you, because once you’ve learned what you needed to learn from your own experiences, you will be better too.
This is why it is so important to get in touch with reality- because all of your power and ability to heal lies in the present moment where you can connect to, look at and learn from your experiences so that you can let go of them, and they can let go of you. So remember to opt out of the past, the future and everywhere else in between that your mind would love to take you through fantasy, hope, and other coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms only delay the inevitable. So here, within the present moment, through your increased awareness, you can choose the truth, over and over again- because the truth will set you free, and it will remind you to focus on what is.
A Brief Aside
Just so you know, I’ve been there too, I’ve seen and experienced the ins and outs of this article. I’ve created distress, anxiety and unnecessary drama because I didn’t acknowledge certain signs and signals. I didn’t acknowledge certain experiences and ask certain questions because I didn’t want certain answers. Looking back, I was simply unaware. The truth was submersed, and I was the one hiding it from myself- only delaying the inevitable. Maybe I feared change, maybe I didn’t recognize my own value, maybe I was meant for a new relationship, maybe I needed to write this article (wink), maybe there’s a bigger picture and quite possibly all of the above and much, much more.
Regardless of the essence, when you come into contact with a new truth- let it in, let it change you- because trust me when I tell you, it won’t be going anywhere. The truth is simple, it’s within, and it’s here to stay. And if you summon the courage and will to see it, it will always set you free.
Awareness dawns and then it deepens, and the more you choose to surrender to the essence, embrace new truths as they come your way and allow them to process, the more they can work for you on your behalf.
Focus on Yourself, Focus on the Fundamentals
After a breakup, when everything is up in the air, it becomes extremely important to focus on yourself and the fundamentals. During this transition out of the old and into the new, you will most likely experience a variety of symptoms in your body, mind and life as a whole- but you can anchor yourself deeply by focusing in on and committing to the basics: mindset, diet and lifestyle. This is all part of the process, and focusing in on the fundamentals will keep you from getting caught up in distraction, unproductive activities, and all of the shiny objects that hold only empty promises and perpetuate vicious cycles.
For example, you can always recenter yourself by choosing to get present, focusing in on where you are now and reminding yourself of your unique vision and top priorities. If your vision and priorities are unclear, this is the perfect opportunity to tune in. From here, you can begin to bridge the gaps, eliminate your vulnerabilities, negate your excuses, and improve the areas of your life that need improvement.
If you remember this, to focus in on the fundamentals, you will find that the ordinary, when done consistently, will not only bring you through to the other side, it will yield the extraordinary- as you clear the slate and build a foundation that is so strong and resilient, you will gain the kind confidence that will never be taken away and will become a springboard for more.
Part of focusing on yourself and the fundamentals requires that you, quite possibly for the first time, be your own fierce advocate. Here, placing primary importance on and prioritizing the self is anything but selfish. It’s actually the only way to alignment. It’s about owning your identity and learning how to love who, what and where you are.
This means to be there for yourself in the ways that feel true to you. For example, any time, you are inclined to look at your ex and go down thaaat rabbit hole of obsession, possession or jealousy- become aware of how it feels. Observe and experience how you are taking away from and hurting yourself. This comes back to the truth and choosing to learn. You will know that these fear based circuits are not working because they will not bear fruit (joy, peace, happiness, productivity, health, love, etc.) only more pain, obsession, possession, jealousy, etc. By being present for and observing the effects, and in this case ramifications, of your choices rather than judging them, you will find that it is much easier to opt out and into new choices that bring about expansion and growth.
I can’t emphasize how important it is to observe these patterns from a place of love rather than judgment of the self. In the midst of self sabotage and destruction, observation gives you a way out. It promotes connection and compassion, a bridge to the other side, allowing you to see the fear based circuits and coping strategies in a new light for what they are and are not- until, eventually you no longer need them. Light dispels darkness. So until then, get to know and begin to love your own self, be on your own team, have your own back, fill your own voids and learn how you can opt out and focus your precious time and energy on the choices and experiences that serve you.
Beginning to Reconcile the Past
As you focus in on your core fundamentals, you will naturally begin to interact with and reconcile the past. In short, I’ve found two shifts in perception to be most helpful in this realm- uniquely, able to silence the mind and free you from the past, time and time again.
- One, everything happens exactly as it is meant to.
- Two, that was then, and this is now.
Simple. Simple. Now, from here, let’s go a little deeper.
When a breakup transpires, there is often a need for closure. This is natural- but true closure can only be found within as everything is continual. It’s all journey, and it’s all for you. And if everything happens exactly the way it meant to and it’s all for you, doesn’t this make the concept of closure and even, dare I say, forgiveness, somewhat irrelevant?
The key here is to engage the process and continue to learn the lessons so that you don’t have to recreate the past. This is the way to the other side, it’s all within, and you don’t need another person or life experience to bring you closure. You already have it within you, simply ask the questions and be receptive to the answers you receive.
I’ve also found that releasing old, unnecessary relics and giving yourself the sacred space to reflect and to express your thoughts and feelings in a safe, therapeutic setting through a simple journal, counseling session, community, etc., to be helpful.
Within the Let Go & Grow program and my private practice, I teach people how exactly to release weighted experiences, thoughts, feelings and old, outdated past patterns in a much deeper way, feel free to check it out right here.
Out with the old, in with the new.
The Detox Date, Building the New
When you are ready or maybe even just before you are ready, you may want to consider a detox date. There are so many incredible men and women out there. When you’re ready, you can meet them! It’s easier than ever before.
I like this idea not only because it creates a focus that’s in alignment with reality, it also allows you to gather ideas and experience what else is possible- so that you can get even more clear on what you want to create for yourself, your relationships and life.
The key is to go out, experience, have fun, learn more and apply what you have learned. Here’s the thing, love is not always easy. It can be extraordinarily painful- but even this pain is a sign that you are alive. You are living, breathing, beautiful and brave. It takes courage to open up, begin talking to new people and eventually be in a new relationship. But it begins and ends with you, remember that.
If you relapse, screw up, send a drunk text, knowingly walk down a dead end, or whatever- love yourself anyways. Actually, love yourself more. You are human- welcome! welcome!
The key here is to reign in the mind and shift this experience into a teachable moment. There is an essence to and an opportunity in every life experience. So remember to remember the basics to come back from the past, take your power back, be in the moment, engage in the LG&G process and move on.
This does not mean that you have to like, want to recreate or even appreciate your choices or the effects of them. However, you created the experience just as much as anyone involved did, and although you will probably need to give yourself a moment, when you can, allow yourself to lighten up and move on.
I’ve found that one of the best ways to lighten up is to let it out. Talk to the people you love and who love you unconditionally, who will make you laugh and who understand that you are a human being. We all need these reminders from time to time. So come as you are and allow yourself to be human, but also allow yourself to learn.
There is something incredible that happens when you have the courage and will to walk with and through your experiences. You learn that you are not only capable, you’re so much more.
You learn to believe in yourself, in your life and your creations, and you learn that experiences truly fall apart for better ones to emerge. Faith.
Your life may very well have a mind of its own (plot twist)- but if you are in this life to grow, grow, and don’t allow any person or life experience to take away from this purpose. This is your incredible journey, so own it- because life is too short not to heal.
For more information on this process, support and a tried and true springboard, feel free to check out the Let Go & Grow program. We would love to have you in there! This is the exact process I teach in my practice and apply in my own life, and have seen time and time again become a catalyst for radiant health, freedom and lasting change.